the black side of me

I've been thinking for quite some time now that I need a relationship to give me inspiration and spice up my life here in the office. Just typing these words makes me guilty. I'm not pushing through with it. There's nobody here and it's just a thought. Ü

this is what i'm gonna get myself into...

Had dinner with my boyfriend's family since it's his mom's birthday. I look at them and I can see how different they are from mine. Then all of a sudde, out of the blue, I thought: "Is this what I'm marrying into?". It was a question on my mind and I didn't like it at all. I think they're too uptight. Or maybe I haven't really seen them that much and I'm judging them early on. I think this is my 3nd, if not 3rd, outing with them. So I thought I might be judging them pretty early. Considering that we've been going out for 3 years and I haven't seen a lot of them. That's also something. They are "private people". Doesn't want an intruder, I guess. But at least they were warmer to me than before. That was kinda comforting. Ü
Oh, by the way, I'm not pregnant. Ü

i wonder...

I wonder if I'm pregnant. And if I am what do I do about it nad how do I deal with it? I don't think I'm ready for it but I don't want to have an abortion of course. I wonder how the father of the would be child would react. I'm scared I have to say but not as scared as I was when I was in college. I have a job, he has a job, somehow that's a bit comforting. But I'm really not ready for it if it is true. I am simply not. There's so much that I still want to do. Why am I even thinking about this, you may ask. I haven't gotten my period yet though I have up to next week to get it. the problem is that I'm also not getting the symptoms of my incoming period plus I felt vomiting this morning. I wanted to run to the bathroom and vomit. This is so scary. I don't think we're both ready for this and I just can see the disappointment from people's eyes when they find out. I wonder how my mother would react. Would she kill me?