we had the "wedding talk" last week. It was brought about by a talk that he had with one of his friends. Since it was opened up already and it wasn't me who opened it up I grabbed the opportunity to voice out my own feelings. I told him that I will eventually get tired of waiting and might want out. I was not able to clarify to him that by waiting, I meant waiting for nothing. Right now I can see in him that he has no hard intentions for that whatsoever. It's ok with me. I learned to live with it but I know I wouldn't last long. I'm not getting any younger, if I see that it's not gonna happen I don't see the point of waiting. Right now, what I can see in him is the want to make the car happen. To make Johnny happen. Thus the joke from me that who knows, maybe someday he'll get to marry his car since he has lost me already. I know that I want him to be the one. I am not so sure about his feelings for me. I think he's so compalcent that I'm here and that I won't go as long as he keeps on holding on to me. I think he belives too much in destiny that if we belong, we will eventually find each other. I don't trust destiny that much. I believe circumstance and fate is much sronger. And they don't take sides. They might be with or against us. Who knows. I've told him this. I cleared up with him that I don't mind waiting as long as I know what I'm waiting for. I don't wanna be kept in the dark. He said his intentions. He told me that it was me that he wanted for the rest of his life. I believe him but I guess my eyes needs to see it. I love him and I'll be with him for as long as I can. I hope he feels the same way.

"Find a man who never wanna let you go."
I guess that's not the kind of man that I am currently with. Sad, but it seems to be true. I always thought that he was the one who loves me more in the relationship. Looks like it's the other way around. How did things become so complicated all of a sudden? What caused this? I really can't fathom the faults both of us made or the circumstances that pushed us for this relationship to be harder than it usually was. What the heck is wrong? Is it time to let go. I realized that the relationship or I am not giving John the confidence that he needs to feel secure about the relationship. I've got my insecurities and he's got his own. What happened? Things we're much simpler before. Now, it's more complicated. The longer the relationship lasts the harder it gets. And I thought it was the other way around.
===

will I survive without him? Yes, of course. But before I fully heal I might need to go through hell. That thought is scary.

*this was written last 5-16-06