fidelity = overrated

He told me that when he was away he saw this woman twice. That new knowledge kills me up until now. But she was right. I need not be unfair. I was in the same situation not just once but twice. It really hurts when you're on the other end of the line. What he felt for the other person was a threat to us and that's what mostly kills me. That he allowed somebody to be a threat to us. Then again, I had to think of my doings. I have also let somebody else be a threat to us. I let HER be a threat to us to the point that I completely walked out on him. Was that fair to him? No. What I learned about him right now fair to me. It wasn't when it happened but how about now? I don't know. I really don't know. I just don't know how to make the pain go away and continue to live the happy life we had yesterday. We are getting married for Pete's sake! Who needs this drama!?! I just want to let go. I want to believe him when he tells me that he will not fo that to me again. I want it so much that that also hurts. Because somewhat... my hurting heart refuses to...

and so it goes...

4.18.08
I feel like such a sucker. I will never be enough. And we lost the connection we once shared. Instead, you now share it with somebody else and it cause my heart pain. It kills me. So, I find ways to ignore you. Hoping that I'll be able to fully let you go and give my heart a chance to heal.

4.23.08
I really thought we had a chance. That somehow, you felt the same way about me. I still remember the days wherein I see a spark of hope. Wherein you made me believe that you somewhat felt the same way about me. And that it is just too hard to admit that's why you kept it to yourself. I have always battled with myself if I should tell you how I felt but always decided against it. I kept telling myself that there's just too much to lose and I am just not ready to give everything up especially since I don't have the security that the feeling is mutual.I remember the first time we went to the mall/park. We were in the bookstore. I was so into you that time. I bought a DVD and I asked you to come with me. I don't know how else to describe it but this word: FLIRT. Yes, we flirted. You flirted with me. At one point I asked you to hand over your things so I can place it inside the bag and so that you don't have to carry it around. When I held your hand, we stayed like that longer than we should and I saw in your eyes that you weren't against it. I saw no negativity in your eyes when he held hands. That was my first spark of hope. We continued to spend the night hanging out and laughing a lot. You kept on laughing at anything that I told you. I enjoyed myself and I know you did, too. Looking back at that memory, it pains me. I could've just jumped the cliff right there and then and maybe we could've been an "US".Now, somebody holds your attention. I hated you first because it is apparent that you are flirting back. It causes me pain to see that that person can give and do the things I would've given and done for you. I would've done all of those things and more. You should have known that when it came to you, I had no limits. I was helpless. I was under your spell. I was so into you. I loved you. But you'll never know. Simply because I am a coward. Maybe I shouldn't have said that when it came to you I had no limits because if that were true, I should have told you that I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life loving you."Not everything is meant to be. But everything is worth a try." - You were indeed worth the try but I never acted upon it. I am sorry for being such a coward.