if only...

I always say that the last time that I asked him back would be the last. I always say that the next time that he lets me go I'll let go. I'll never turn back and walk away, hating him. I told him that the easiest way for me to forget him and move on is to hate him. I got into thinking the other day that if we really do part if I'll be able to stand up to my word because somehow I feel that it's a front that I'm putting up for my girl friends to make ourselves confident. I have to admit that I'm in too deep now. I continue to fall deeper. We've been talking about getting married more often and a part of it actually scares me. It scares me mostly because I know it would hurt so much since I'm mostly ready to have him for the rest of my life. though at times there's still the thought of having or at least experiencing something new with someone else. But I read somewhere that if you love you have to love as if it's never gonna hurt. So easy to say but yet when you're hurt too many times you just can't help but to hold something back. Right no, just like the break-up before, I am letting my guard down. Hope I won't have to kick myself once again after everything fails again. I don't think I can take another heartbreak just like before. I honestly felt like dying. My heart hurts so much. I don't want to go through it again. I honestly don't...