and yet another...

"Change is a part of life and the making of a character. When things happen that you don't like you have two choices: You get bitter or better."

a thing that I should learn

When a marriage matures, you can tolerate differences in each other. If she's social and he's a couch potato, it's okay for her to go out socially and for him to be home watching the ballgame. Each one is happy that the other is having a good time; and neither one resents the other.
That's generous love. Selfish love is when she drags him out or he keeps her home. But that's not really love: that's control.
It takes generous love to survive the large and small events of a long relationship. It takes generous love to keep listening to each other - and to learn from each other.

why does it hurt so bad?

No matter what I do I always end up being sad. I always end up thinking that this is a lost case already. And I always end up asking why it hurts so bad. I think I know the answer now. Back then I did not believe the words that you told me. When you told me back then that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me I did not believe it. Instead I believed that only time will tell. I even held myself back from giving you the love that I really felt for you. As time passed by I started to let go telling myself that I do love you and you need to feel it. And so I let my feelings go. And then this came. All of a sudden everything that I believed in was shattered. Everything seem to be a lie. This has always been my fault since then. I let myself trust other people and then when they shatter me it just hurts so bad. I trusted you with everything that you said. And now I don't know what to think and believe anymore. I saw something that I know I needed to do in order for me to get out of this but it's really hard. It said that the sooner I realize that things are not coming back to the way it used to be the sooner I'll move on. I know that some of the things that is written in here is unfair for you but I'm just saying what I feel. I may be selfish but I don't know right now. All I know is it hurts so bad and I wanna get out of this. You said you'll try your best to make it work. I really do hope that we make it work. I'll hold on to your word until I can hold no more. I am under a spell of sadness and I need an antidote.

and then we need to start over again...

Last week has been hell. We broke up last Tuesday night thinking and believing that it would be some time if not never will we be able to get back together. The whole Wednesday was a blur. My heart was hurting because I really and honestly felt that I lost him over something not someone. But at the end of the day we talked and got back together. Up to today I am still quite shaken about what happened. I tend to doubt the words that he tells me especially when he tells me that he loves me. I also doubt that we will be able to get through with this. And I am feeling quite insecure about the relationship. I'm so sad about everything. We lost a month and it felt like we don't know each other anymore. A lot of things has changed or should I say I discovered a lot of things that still leaves me shaken. I am really so sad. I am just wishing that we can go back to the way that it was before or be better. He said that he is willing to work it out though we both know that it will be hard. I am just so sad...

a song for you

Love wandered inside
Stronger than you
Stronger than I
And now that it has begun
We cannot turn back
We can only turn into one
I won't ever be too far away to feel you
And I won't hesitate at all
Whenever you call
And I'll always remember
The part of you so tender
I'll be the one to catch your fall
Whenever you call
And I'm truly inspired
Finding my soul
There in your eyes
And you
Have opened my heart
And lifted me inside
By showing me yourself
Undisguised
I won't ever be too far away to feel you
And I won't hesitate at all
Whenever you call
And I'll always remember
The part of you so tender
I'll be the one to catch your fall
Whenever you call
And I will breathe for you each day
Comfort you through all the pain
Gently kiss your fears away
You can turn to me and cry
Always understand that I
Give you all I am inside

strands in your eyes...

"Strands in your eyes, color them wonderful stop me and steal my breath... I'll be your crying shoulder, I'll be love suicide..."
And so the song went on. I remembered you and then I remembered the Aussie guy that I met from Boracay. Somehow I missed him, I was not able to say goodbye to him. I saw him the first two nights and then I was not able to see him again. I would have wanted to be friends with him. He seem to be a good guy, plus that laugh. That boyish laugh that makes me want to get to know him better.

what's up?

We haven't spoken for so long. I don't understand what you're doing. I don't understand if you're just so busy at work that you don't notice that we are drifting apart already or you know that I am being cold that's why you chose once again to ignore it and wait for me to make the first move. For once, I don't have the strength nor the determination to make the first move. I am so dam tired of making this work. For once, I just don't care where this leads us. If we should not be together then I guess that should be it. Sad but then again that's how it is. You are too afraid to approach me or you just wants me to make the first. Both of those reasons are wrong. And i refuse to once again swallow my pride and make the first move. I've done that so many times already. Even if you were the one who is at fault. I just realized that it's me who's chasing you. Always me. And I am tired already. I'll just stay here and walk my walk. If you don't or can't follow then I guess we'll be heading on our own seperate ways. I don't understand this. I don't get you. But I refuse to make the first move. I refuse to feel stupid again. I'll stand my ground this time. I'm sorry but I owe this to myself.
Me and my mindless chatter...

the end of the road

I was asked by mom yesterday if we were in a fight. I told her no but we are in a "limbo" state. Limbo defined by me would be the state of nothingness. Ask me right now what's happening with his life and I don't know how to answer that question aside from "he's at work". Very basic and very unlikely. I am not saying that we should know each other's every move. That shouldn't and should never be the case. It's just that for the past week I feel like I don't know him at all anymore and he doesn't know me. Well, I've been feeling like he doesn't know me all along so what's the point, right? I don't text him anymore and he doesn't even bother to make the first move. I feel like it would always be me that would need to make the first move for us to have the relationship going. Thus, making me feel that I am the only one who is carrying the relationship. And to tell you the truth it's starting to be a burden. A load. It's getting heavy already, unlike before. I'm starting to get tired of making the relationship work. I'm getting tired of working for the relationship. I am getting tired. And so, as my cousin pointed out, I am slowly detaching myself from the relationship so that by the time that I need to let go it would be easier. I also went to church yetserday and cried a little. I asked God why this is happening and what I should do. I told him that I don't know what I'll do without him since I am so used to having somebody by my side. In the end I plainly asked him to give me strength. I need strength because I really feel like we've reached the end of the road.
I need strength.

just wanna share an email that I got

What kind of a relationship are you in? I'm Still Me When you're a one-hundred-percent authentic version of you with him and you maintain your own identity, ideas, and interests, your love has a longer, stronger foundation. Why? Besides the obvious pluses, having a life outside of your cosy couplehood--we're talking about things like your passion for reggae, going out with the girls, or keeping up your Saturday yoga class--means you're constantly bringing fresh opinions and new experiences to the relationship. We Can Fight, Kiss, and Make Up Spats can keep your relationship strong. Plus, you stay true to yourself because you spell out what hurts you and what you will--and won't--put up with. To benefit from a love brawl, you have to adjust your approach to arguing so that it's as fair as it is passionate. No free-for-all accusation slinging. Instead, be very specific about what burned you and why.

I'm Able To Be Myself With Him--and Speak Honestly
Do you bite your tongue when he flirts with other women so you don't seem like the anal jealous type? Swallow your own stress if you know he's had a hard day at work? Wanting to keep your relationship on an even keel is okay, but when you tiptoe around issues that might rock the boat or walk on eggshells around him, your love loses out.

We're On The Same Wavelength
Rock-solid couples aren't just compatible, they also have a general idea of each other's values, where the relationship is headed, and what's important, from careers to social life to the future.

Loving Him Brings Out The Best In Me
When you're happy in love, you morph into an even better version of yourself. More than that, you're inspired and energized by each other. And as a bonus, this positivity spills over into every aspect of your life.

He's My Rock
Great couples are the ultimate teammates. They look out for each other all the time. He listens when you have a meltdown, comes to your aid when you're cornered at a cocktail party, and brings you soup when you're feeling sick. He's your confidante, and you just know that he'll always be there for you. Your first step is to be more honest and upfront with your guy.

priority no. 1

deny it all you want but driving and cars would always be your top priority. it would never be me nor our relationship. how many times have you forsaken our relationship for this love of yours? countless. you've made me cry hundreds of times just because of your love. and sadly, your love would never be me. instead it would be something else...