why does it hurt so bad?

No matter what I do I always end up being sad. I always end up thinking that this is a lost case already. And I always end up asking why it hurts so bad. I think I know the answer now. Back then I did not believe the words that you told me. When you told me back then that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me I did not believe it. Instead I believed that only time will tell. I even held myself back from giving you the love that I really felt for you. As time passed by I started to let go telling myself that I do love you and you need to feel it. And so I let my feelings go. And then this came. All of a sudden everything that I believed in was shattered. Everything seem to be a lie. This has always been my fault since then. I let myself trust other people and then when they shatter me it just hurts so bad. I trusted you with everything that you said. And now I don't know what to think and believe anymore. I saw something that I know I needed to do in order for me to get out of this but it's really hard. It said that the sooner I realize that things are not coming back to the way it used to be the sooner I'll move on. I know that some of the things that is written in here is unfair for you but I'm just saying what I feel. I may be selfish but I don't know right now. All I know is it hurts so bad and I wanna get out of this. You said you'll try your best to make it work. I really do hope that we make it work. I'll hold on to your word until I can hold no more. I am under a spell of sadness and I need an antidote.