i cried over this...

and this was my response...

don't make me feel that i am being taken for granted. i refuse to believe that even if i sometimes feel it. don't also think that i am scared to lose a boyfriend or you. i told you i'm just so afraid of getting hurt. i can't help but have tears on my eyes. i would have understood if it was work but it's not. now you tell me what your priorities are. put yourself in my position, would you feel secure with just words if the other party is acting this way? come on tell me. i hope you see that i am working so hard right now to understand what you need and actually set you free and let you do what you want. if you're just gonna abuse that i wouldn't want to wait for the day that you'll leave me with broken promises. we've been hurt so much and i've been believing in so many things that has just been but empty words. it's ok with me not to see you. it's not that that makes my heart hurt and makes my eyes cry right now. it's the reason behind it. i just don't understand. i don't think i'll ever understand. you make it sound like tomorrow would be a consolation for what's happening today. that's so lame and it feels more like an insult to me. didn't it occur to you that i also have my own plans? i just don't understand. if i should be understanding this and i can't then all i can say is sorry.

-----Original Message-----
From: him
Sent: Tuesday, June 21, 2005 12:01 AM
To: me
Subject: Re: at work...
Er... ='(

----- Original Message -----
From: me
To: him
Sent: Tuesday, June 21, 2005 12:44 PM
Subject: RE: at work...
ok.

-----Original Message-----
From: him
Sent: Monday, June 20, 2005 11:44 PM
To: me
Subject: Re: at work...
='( ...maglalaro sana ako ng basketball tonight, tapos bukas na lang ako dadaan kasi di ako magka-karting (low budget at malabo na akong mag-champion). Tampo po ikaw? =/

----- Original Message -----
From: me
To: him
Sent: Tuesday, June 21, 2005 12:01 PM
Subject: RE: at work...
lemme guess... your swamped today and you can't pass by later? tama ba?

-----Original Message-----
From: him
Sent: Monday, June 20, 2005 10:58 PM
To: me
Subject: Re: at work...
At ako naman ay late; 10:30am. Hehe... sorry po sa late reply. =p

Hon....... may atraso na naman ako sa iyo... ='(

----- Original Message -----
From: me
To: him
Sent: Tuesday, June 21, 2005 8:35 AM
Subject: at work...
ang aga ko. 8AM ako andito... =) have a nice day!

his nightmare and my reality

He placed this on his blog...
"In my nightmare, for some I-don't-know reason, she decided to break up with me. I tried to open up talks for us, but she won't. All throughout the dream, I was searching for her, trying to initiate any form of dialogue, but it ended in vain. At one point, I even spied on her, then saw her go through a glass door with some companions (from the call center, maybe). One of her companions saw me, and alerted them. By the time I got to the glass doors, it was locked."

Upon reading it, one thought came to mind. It was the perfect plan that I have on my mind if I get the courage to walk away from him. It really was. I even ended up thinking that somhow something is channeling my thoughts to his. At least it's nice to know that he is still scared of losing me. And somehow, someway this would be a small wake-up call for him. Hopefully...

i don't want this anymore...

I just noticed, he's got Karting and he also joins in Slalom competitions. And through these recreations comes another set of web of recreations and groups that he has given his time and effort. At first it was just one and now there are tons of them already. Makes me wonder, where does this place our relationship? With so many of them out there not including basketball and work, where's the time for us? It seem that if he ever gets the available time that would either be time for us but with so many things going on how much time do we have? He has an event every week including weekends and it seem that the events are going on left and right. Where does this leave us and our relationship now? What is needed and what is not? I don't want this anymore yet my heart tells me I still can't let go. I don't want this kind of life anymore. I don't want this anymore. God, give me strength to let go. Please!

getting harder everyday...

This is getting harder everyday. I still feel sad most of the time and I still need to find a way to make myself feel better. This is not right and this is definitely not me. Somehow I feel like I'm in the relationship and I am just waiting for the strength to move on. I want the relationship. I really do. I just don't like working for it anymore. It's tiring. I don't think I'll ever be the supportive girlfriend that he needs. And if I wouldn't be that person, I don't think this relationship will ever work. It's like I'm just here making the realtionship the exact tool to help me get over him. This is really hard and confusing. I do love him, with all of me. But somehow, it's not enough. I don't think noe belive that love will ever be enough. I'm still trying to learn my lessons but it's really hard. When did everything started being hard? I can't recall. He is growing and I am left. I need to grow and I really need to have fun without him. I don't want to depend on him anymore becuase it would only hurt me in the end. At least now he believes once again that we do have a future together. That we'll end up marrying each other. I started believing that and when the moment came where it tells me otherwise it really did hurt. It hurts so bad. And I've learned my lesson. I'll never believe that again until I see it. I'll never believe it. Because if I start believing once again, I'll start hurting also. God, give me strength.

confused again...

I don't know what to do again. I am so confused once more. This is killing me. He's my happiness and my pain. I don't kow which of the two things matters more. Is it my happiness or is it my heart's "peace of mind"? He's got faults and I certainly have my own. I expect too much and I can't set him free. Two things that will surely ruin a relationship. He wrote me a letter and it was not so reassuring. It was at one level but it's not enough. We're going down the drain and I am so pessimist about the relationship already.
Action plan:
I need to find my own happiness. I need to make myself happy and not depend on him and his presence to make me happy. Or else I won't get out of this slump and I'll continue on feeling dead inside.

i need to learn...

Had another realization again yesterday. I need to train myself to be independent, to be on my own and not depend on him at all times. I need to have fun with myself and not think that everything would be funnier if he's around. I need to learn these things so that the next time that we need to let go it wouldn't hurt as much as it did before. I don't ever wanna feel that way again. Thus, I need to learn. I'm not saying that everything is kaput with us again. We're actually doing fine. It's just that I really have the tendency to protect myself and I don't like getting hurt. Who wants to anyway? I just need to learn. I need to love me. I need to learn...

in no mood to work...

I'm in no mood to work today. My morale is as low as some of my customer's IQ. I still feel like I've been sent to the slump again. To hell with them!!! *i wish*

this is what happens when you snap...

I was caught arguing with a customer. Yes, I was arguing with him and I don't deny that. Why? Because I snapped. I can only apologize to some extent and after I did that and we we're still on the same issue I snapped. I answered his questions defiantly and exhaustedly. I told him that I can do nothing for him. And my superior caught me. I'm quite ashamed of what happened not because I treated the customer that way. I knew what I was doing and I knew why I did that. That's reason enough for me. I'm ashamed because it was not expected from me and I'm scared that they might talk behind my back and all those name-game and gossiping. That's what I don't like. This is really a big problem for me. I tend to always conform to social standard. Not realizing I am forsaking myself. Oh well. Another day, another call.

this is getting harder...

Remember the lesson that I was suppose to learn? Apparently it's harder than I thought. the first day I was bubbly and all that but as time passes by I sink to the old pitiful me once again. I DON'T WANT THAT!!! ARGH! This is so frustrating...