loneliest number

I just downloaded the Season 4 of The L Word. I watched it last night. Started midnight til 6am. Yes, I cheated! I always did! I only watch the part that I'm interested. I tend to push the fast forward button. And the usual part that I am interested in is where Bette is. She is indeed with Jodi already. I don't see that much chemistry between the two of them. They just don't make me feel fuzzy all over unlike when Bette was with Tina. Jennifer Beals is not as hot as she was in Season 1. Might be because she's got a baby? Jodi and Bette is cute but the spark is just a flicker. It's not as bright as Tina and Bette's. Tina just realized that she wants Bette back. So sad. Because she can't have her now. Bette is totally in love with Jodi. The sadder part is that Tina is helping Bette make her relationship with Jodi work. What feeling could be more painful than wanting someone and helping that someone steady her relationship with somebody else. On the last episode for the season Bette called Tina and asked her what she was gonna say to Jodi once she sees her. My heart went to Tina for that scene. It was so fuckin sad. She said "Tell her: I never should have let you go. I would do anything for another chance. I'm not afraid to make a fool out of myself." The line is so romantic! Tina is fuckin brilliant. The sad part is you can see in her eyes that she is telling those things from her heart reaching out to Bette. Unfortunately, Bette is too centered on Jodi to notice that Tina actually wants her back. =( It's just so sad. Sad, sad, sad.
Bette, oh Bette! I just wish that she and Tina would get back together and be the happy, cute and sweet couple that they were. Jodi and Bette are cute but I am also a romantic. I want to belive that when you are meant for one person no matter what happens, you'll always be together. Funny, I believe that in shows but I can't seem to make myself believe that in real life. It's just that the process of getting there is so fuckin hard.
I am changing. Good or bad, I don't know. I had a thought the other day. John has been gone for 3 weeks and I missed him at first then I didn't. I don't even bother to check my yahoo mail from time to time to check if I have messages from him. He didn't send me an SMS for several days and I didn't care. It scared me. Does that mean that I can now live my life without him? Am I now ready to move on? Sometimes, I wanna try it with somebody else. I wanna feel how it is with somebody else. I am just so scared to do it. I've been keeping to myself this past few days, weeks maybe. I am weird and I am always lost in thought. This feelings were stirred by the show. How did that happen? I am not really sure how. It just did. It just did.
Maybe I wanna feel the feeling that you get when youa re first in love. I am on the way to my fifth year in this relationship. Is it possible that it is taking its toll on me? I really don;t know what to say, respond or think of that question. I just have no answer for it. I just don't.